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I didn’t want to ‘ruin’ our ‘happy home’

I didn’t want to ‘ruin’ our ‘happy home’
It Happened ….
when I was a budding teenager. I loved art and music. At that time, my mom remarried, we moved to a new town, and I started a new school. I was teased and bullied for being the new kid.
 
It Was ….
My stepfather. He swooped in and swept my mom, my sister, and myself off our feet. Spoiled us. Gave me the attention I craved. Played games. It started as innocent games of chase and wrestling and tickling. When his hand would ‘slip’ to a private part, he would brush it off like it was nothing… everyone did that. I had no idea. As things progressed, he would constantly tell me that my mom wouldn’t understand and if I told her she’d get mad and then he would have to leave us. Leaving us would have left us homeless (so I thought) and my mom and sister seemed happy, so I didn’t want to ‘ruin’ our ‘happy home’. I think the worst thing was that he never went ‘all the way’ (never had intercourse) but he suggested it and used it against me daily. Everyday I was in fear that he would rape me… he’d get close to that point and I’d fight back then he would say he didn’t have time that day since my mom or sister would be home soon.
 
It Made Me Feel…
I had no idea what I felt besides fear and confusion. “Something” wasn’t right about any of it, but I didn’t know what to do. I was terrified to be home alone. I contemplated running away all the time. Instead I turned into the ‘perfect’ kid. Went to church, volunteered, got good grades… I’d say it was a winning Oscar performance. No one knew. As I got older and the incidences got less, I pushed it out of my mind. Squashed the memories/pretended it didn’t happen. Went on to college and got boyfriends (lots of them), and moved out. Became very promiscuous. 
 
I Told…
no one. Until, in my late 20’s, my mom came to tell me that my sister had gone to therapy for abuse from our stepfather and wanted to know if he ever touched me. Then all my memories came back and I had to go to therapy – I believe I came close to breakdown. Back then, the only people who knew where very close family and friends. No one talked about it. My mom divorced the man and I never spoke to him again. We never pressed charges…I just wanted to forget it again. Even to this day (I’m in my 40’s now) it’s not really mentioned much. It is one reason I wanted to write my story here. 
 
I Survived…
somehow. I’m not sure I will be ‘healed’. I’ve learned to go on and live my life. I have a very understanding husband. I have PTSD from it and have good days and bad days. The internet has helped, I can join online support groups and read what helped others. 
 
I Dream…
of a day when these topics can be discussed openly, when survivors wont feel ashamed to tell their stories, and when pedophiles get caught and prosecuted and jailed and never let out to hurt another kid again. 
 
I Want….
everyone to know, that it doesn’t matter if it was a one time violation, if it was on going for years, if it was touching over clothes, or full rape….It was a violation of you. It caused fear and pain and trauma….and all survivors need love, support, and to be believed.

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2 thoughts on “I didn’t want to ‘ruin’ our ‘happy home’

  1. Misty

    Thanks for sharing, so sorry that this happened to you. I hope you continue to heal and enjoy life beyond this trauma 🙁

  2. Lori

    I’m so sorry for your pain, but thankful for the courage you’ve found to share your story. I was also molested by a manipulative stepfather and I still struggle with the aftermath daily. Praying for you sister

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