It Happened ….
More than once, more than twice. It started when I was 6 and lasted until I was 16. I wanted to be like the other children my age, to have parents that were interested in me, that loved me, that noticed me. Instead I had an abusive narcissistic mother and a father that slowly drank himself into an early grave. I was desperately lonely with few friends and many secrets.
It Was ….
It was my babysitter. When it was over she let me stay up late, we played board games and watched TV together. She said if I ever wanted her to come back I wouldn’t tell. I never told; she never came back. I was 6.
It was the man at the end of the street, he brought other children and took pictures. He tore our little bodies to shreds. I didn’t tell, he said I would be taken away. It started when I was 7 and ended when I was 10.
It was my elementary school principle, I often found myself in trouble. He would make me take my clothes off and lay over his knee while he spanked me. I never told, who would I have told? He was the principle. I was in first grade.
It was a friend’s mother and a stranger. I stayed over and had wet the bed. I was put in a cage for two days until I was given to a man I had never met. I didn’t tell, I was bad. I was 10 going on 11.
It was my neighbor, he knelt in front of me and ripped open my shorts, the last thing I remember is the cold wooden floor. I watched from above as he violently raped my tiny lifeless body. I never told, he said I asked for it. It started when I was 11 and ended when I was 15.
It was a stranger, my mother had forgotten me and he gave me a ride home. When we got to my house he forced my face into his lap, he held it there until he was finished. I didn’t tell, I didn’t care anymore, I was 13.
It was my teacher, during the day she had me run errands, at night she tutored me. I didn’t tell, I thought it was ok, I was 16.
It Made Me Feel...
I felt ashamed, used and dirty; alone, abandoned and invisible. I saw beauty all around me but I dared not touch for fear of making it as ugly as I was. It wasn’t meant for me, I was unworthy.
I Told…
I almost told a teacher, she was kind and giving and asked nothing in return. She treated me like a person and for this reason alone I couldn’t trust her. I told my boss, she and my coworkers are the only family I knew aside from my children. I hadn’t the strength to continue and the flash backs came stronger and more often until I wasn’t sure who I was or what I’d become.
I Survived…
Why had I survived? At first I didn’t know why I survived, I didn’t want to, but I did. There are the obvious answers like my wonderful children who I love dearly or that feeling when the first wisps of warm air stroke your cheek in the spring. I survived in part because of a childlike curiosity, as bad as things were I really wanted to know what was next. I read, reading books could take me places that I otherwise couldn’t have imagined. I dreamed, I was sure there was something better… but did I deserve to find it?
Still I wasn’t sure until most unexpectedly I met a compassionate and understanding woman who shares a similar past. I survived to have a second chance, to experience the one thing I’d sought my entire life, true love. I survived so that I could feel the indescribable feeling of being held safely in the arms of another. I survived because I’m not ugly inside, none of us are and we all deserve to be loved.
I Dream…
I dream of a day when adults will stop and listen to a child, not just hear what they are saying but listen to the beautiful sound that is their voice. I dream of a day when ignorance is replaced with awareness. I dream of the day when the courts recognize that a pedophile has not committed a sex crime, they have taken a life, and they should be punished accordingly. I dream of someday.
I Want…
I want those who haven’t been hurt to know we are not crazy and we aren’t just seeking attention; we hurt in a way that words cannot describe which is probably for the best as the images we see should not be in anyone’s head. I want them to know that the moment they say “I understand” is the moment they have lost us. We can’t understand why it happened and we were there. What you can do is show us empathy, you don’t have to understand to make a difference in our lives, you only have to care. I want them to know we are easily distracted and our minds tend to wander, sometimes for long periods. We aren’t ignoring you, don’t take it to heart, it’s how we survived. I want survivors to know they matter. We were taught early on that our needs weren’t important, that everyone else comes before us, I want them to know it’s not selfish to put themselves first. I want survivors to know they have a voice, it may be very quiet, it may even sound silent but someday you will roar, I’m sure of it. I want you to know that what happened is a part of you, but it does not define you. I want you to know you have nothing to be ashamed of, the shame lies with the ones that hurt you. I want you to know it’s not your fault, you weren’t given a choice. I want you to know that you aren’t alone. I want you to know you can’t hide from your past, that no one can take it away but there are people who can help you untangle and accept it. I want you to know that by surviving and thriving you have taken away the abuser’s power to hurt you any longer. I want you to know you are beautiful, inside and out, you always have been and you always will be.
Finally, to those who have dedicated their lives to ending the sexual abuse of children and helping them heal whether as children or adults, I want to say thank you.
Thank you
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I started to try and write some words of comfort but I find that my words are completely inadequate. We stand with you. We grieve with you, and we hope that you can feel our love surround you. We are steadfast in our resolve that this should never happen to any child ever.
I started to reply and got tongue tied… the words you have written are kind, supportive and compassionate, I don’t think that can ever be inadequate. Thank you
The last part of this struck me so profoundly! I could have written all those words. Most of the time I feel like no one gets it. I’m not scatterbrained, I’m not stupid, everything is just jumbled up in my head. Even tho my abuse isn’t the same as yours I still had yrs of abuse so I get it. Thank you so much for being so brave and sharing your story.
I’m so glad you wrote “isn’t the same”, another thing I think we have in common as survivors is minimizing our experience. There is no good abuse and it doesn’t have varying degrees, it’s all wrong and it all hurts.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story, I’m sorry you were hurt too.
I feel like there’s so many monster’s out there that get away with this. Kids don’t tell!! We teach them to obey adults- Don’t talk back!, lListen to what you are told!, Be a good boy/girl!, etc…. Then we want them to stand up to a manipulative, evil monster…No that won’t happen! Plus the kids are so young and this is so shocking and mind blowing, they can’t wrap their little minds around this kind of action to even understand to right and wrong in it. Sometime the attention is more than they get anywhere else and this attention seems a little better than nothing bc the monster will seem like a sweet good person that cares but just crossed the line. I don’t know but I always ask myself, How?? How do we protect that small child that is only around the people that are suppose to protect them but don’t. Once it starts it seems to happen to that same child multiple time by different people even. So how do you really help that small innocen child surrounded by idiots? Sadly, you don’t!!? This does define them and makes them who they are as adults. You make a choice at some point, will I be a bitter survivor or a triumphant survivor? Will this make me a better person or a weak depressed person? You pick yourself up and live your life with meaning and you don’t let their evil hurt you anymore ever!! Then you protect your own children with all your power and you are very compassionate toward others.
Pedophiles are monsters; they are also experts at manipulation, exploitation, etc…, and you are correct in your assertion about how we traditionally teach our children to act. I would also agree that ending this epidemic is a daunting task and to think one person alone can do so is a fool’s errand, however if each of us is aware of what to look for than I think together we can make a difference.
Attitudes are changing thanks to sites like “The Mama Bear Effect” and others. As parents we are only recently encouraged to teach our children to think independently and speak up vociferously while at the same time reminded that we need to hush and listen. This is a huge swing in the social norm and just as with any change it takes time, time we don’t have, but must take as I feel we have few chances left to get this right.
Yes, some children are vulnerable because they are surrounded by idiots but others are vulnerable simply because of the fact that they are children who are curious and trusting and haven’t been jaded by adulthood. The sad reality is that children from all races, religions and social classes are abused, in my case it wouldn’t have mattered if my parents knew, I sought the love and attention they denied. In other cases, parents are devastated when they find out, they aren’t to blame, the pedophile is. A last word on that, even if my parents were loving and listened they would never have known, my secrets were mine alone and the only choice that wasn’t taken from me, the only people I trusted less than the ones who abused me were the ones who could have helped me.
I will apologize in advance for the following statements, I mean no disrespect but being abused does not define us!!! It is a part of us, a part that will never go away much like a scar. At first a wound it upset us, it hurt, it bled openly. Slowly it started to heal, it still hurt if we bumped into something, we were still very aware of it. Slowly as time passed it was all but forgotten, an occasional glance maybe, we knew it was there but it didn’t command our attention. The abuse is no different, inside of each of us a good and deserving person, that’s who we are. Whether we are able to see it in ourselves or any one is able to see it in us doesn’t matter, it’s undeniable. The goodness that lies inside, that’s who we are, we’ve been hurt not defined.
To that end we are not weak either, on the contrary I defy someone who hasn’t been hurt like us to live with the pain, the memories… no, I take that back, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Survivors by definition are the strongest people I know, not just of sexual abuse but of any adversity life will throw at us. I agree that we have a choice, unfortunately it’s not always that simple. Sometimes we don’t know, if we do we may not think we deserve… anything and the last thing we believe is that we deserve to be happy. None of that is a choice, it is conditioning and until someone helps us understand and detangle it we will never feel worthy of peace, happiness or a better life.
I hope this isn’t so long that you gave up reading it and I do apologize if I’ve misrepresented any of your comments but I felt I had to reply.
Thank you for listening
Hi, does the pain ever go away? I am so tired of hurting & people that give up on u. so many days i don’t want to wake up, & then it happens, i am awake to face another day Is pain a part of every ones life? U can talk until u r blue in the face but the pain always comes back. I am sorry, it is just really hard now. Thank u for listening.
The pain does lessen. I’m not sure it goes away completely but it is present fewer and fewer days. It certainly ceases to be in charge of your life.
A couple of years ago, i was putting my 5 year old granddaughter to sleep for the night. As a routine, I would hold her in my arms as she drifted off to sleep then lay her down on her pillow. One night as I was doing that, I looked down at her and was overcome with the realization that I was giving her a beautiful gift—one I’d never received but was able somehow to pass along.
That was healing for me and somehow also painful in a grieving sort of way…a good pain.
It does get better.
Does the pain ever go away? I don’t know… I hope it does. There are times when I don’t hurt, when I am with my children or my partner, when I feel safe and understood, when I know I can hurt and I won’t be judged.
It’s sort of a one step forward, two steps back process, I used to think it would never get better. I could barely string together a few moments of peace, now it comes for days at a time; I know someday there will more good days than bad.
As to the people that give up on us, they didn’t deserve us in the first place and is pain part of everyone’s life? Yes. If there wasn’t pain and adversity there wouldn’t be courage and hope.
You needn’t apologize, we were taught we didn’t matter, that everyone else came first, it’s not true… we all deserve to be heard… you are welcome.
No the pain never goes away, but decreases in intensity. I was abused for 12 years by my stepfather from age 5 – 17. I will be 70 soon and still have flash backs. He is dead and cannot hurt me. It doesn’t ruin my day when I have a flashback but I wish I woukd not think about the past.