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I was told I was just having a bad nightmare

I was told I was just having a bad nightmare

It Happened ….

I remember thinking the first time he took me into his room I was excited that he wanted to play a game with me, I was just a baby I didn’t know better and he never wanted to play with me but always would play games with my older sister. Little did I know at the time I wouldn’t want to play any games with him ever again but didn’t get that option. My first memory came when I was 4 years old. I don’t know how long it was happening before that and it happened for a few years after that. I was 8 when it stopped suddenly. It was a game, a game called “Mercy” I remember being taken into his room and he would lean me over a table he had in there, pull my clothing off waist down. I wasn’t allowed to look at him so I never knew what he was doing behind me. He would hold the back of my neck tight and push my head and torso against the table, the back of my neck would feel like it was on fire because of how tight he’d hang on to me. I didn’t want to play anymore because he was hurting me but it was too late, I begged him to let me go but he just leaned in and whisper, “So if it hurts too bad say mercy and I might stop after you plead enough. I said mercy before anything happened the first time but it didn’t matter. All the sudden a horrific pain would send a shock through my body and my mind would take over and I’d black out. I’d wake up clothed in my bed, sore and often bleeding. I was confused and unaware of what was happening to me, I tried to talk to my sister about it but was always told I was just having a bad nightmare. I wasn’t having – I was living a nightmare that I didn’t know how to navigate. It happened several times, thoughts flooded my head as I got old was I ever a virgin was I still a virgin? I didn’t know and still to this day don’t, that was taken away from me in a brutal way. Sometimes I want to know exactly what happened that my mind blocked out from me just so I know, and other times I’m so incredibly grateful that I don’t remember past that point.

It Was ….

My half brother who is 10 years older than me. We lived under the same roof so his access was totally unlimited. He would watch me and my sister after school since both of my parents worked full time jobs.

It Made Me Feel...

Confused. Angry. Sad. Unprotected. Vulnerable, and filled with hate. I struggled with anger issues after that for many years especially once I was old enough to realized what happened to me was very wrong and not okay. I was angry at everyone in my house especially my parents. School was my escape and the only place I ever felt comfortable or safe. Since I was little I’ve struggled with PTSD (Which I was diagnosed with at 25 through some counseling) I’ve had issues with fighting off eating disorders, weight gain and suicide attempts. I honestly just wanted to die as a kid I wanted to be free of the pain I felt in my heart and mind.

I Told…

No one but my sister whom was going through the same things as me, she was just a kid herself only 2 1/2 years older. She tried to protect me in the only way she knew how by trying to get him to take her over me. After she knew for sure he was doing it to me she told our mom about everything. Nothing was done, nothing was ever said to me nor my sister, it was a hush-hush situation. I didn’t even know my sister told until I was an adult at the time I just knew it had finally stopped.

I Survived…

I didn’t for many years my home life was like a hazy dream. I just went through life throwing myself into school and music, music was my emotional escape. My senior year in high school was when I decided to try to forgive my brother so I could move forward for me as best as I could. I let it go of as much of the silent pain I could that I had been living with for so many years. I let the anger slide away and decided that I deserved to be happy and that it was okay to be happy. When I was 25 I was finally at a point in my life I wanted to get therapy and that is where most of my strength started to come in. The line that sticks with me the most at one of my sessions is “you’re not a victim you are a survivor, you are only a victim as long as you allow yourself to be a victim!” At that point I chose not to be a victim anymore, I refused to be a victim. I fully heartily forgave my brother, forgiven but not forgotten. I finally had a new found strength and voice to sit down and talk to my parents, to tell them why I was so angry and mad at them all the time growing up. To let them know I felt unprotected and that it wasn’t okay for my mom to push it under the rug, not talk to me and my sister, not to get us help and not tell our dad what had happened.

I Dream…

That one day that no one is a victim of child sexual abuse, now that would be beyond perfect. I dream that I can stop the cycle in my family and that my children never have to know the pain I carry everyday. I teach them so many steps, the uh-oh feeling or icky feeling, body safety and no-no zones and that they can tell me anything even if they are threatened to be silent. I hope and dream I’m raising them to be stronger than I ever was as a kid with a louder voice if they are ever met with the same fate. I dream for harsher punishments for offenders and easy access to therapy for survivors. That more people will talk to their kids and teach them about body safety and that it’s not a hush-hush thing anymore and should have never been. I want to raise awareness and make a change, I dream that what I went through can at the very least save one person from the same fate or help one victim or survivor have enough courage to use their voice and stop the abuse. I hope that one day it can be a totally normal conversation for everyone to have with their children and when it’s more of a normal conversation only then do I feel we’d see an amazing impact against stopping it.

I Want…

Other victims and survivors to know not to be ashamed, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of the only person that should be ashamed is the predator! Use your voice to make a change and a difference! It’s okay to be mad, sad, confused and all the other emotions that come with it, it’s part of the healing process, think of yourself as a survivor and not a victim only then can you truly start moving away from it holding you back. Talk to a therapist, it’ll help you more than you think it will. you are beautiful, you are strong and you are worth it!

This blog post is copyrighted and cannot be republished without the expressed written consent of the author and The Mama Bear Effect.

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